Caller: Hi, can I speak to Mr. Alderson, please?
Receptionist: I'll see if he's in. Who's calling?
Receptionist: Brian who?
Caller: He'll know.
Alderson: I figured I'd be hearing from you.
Caller: Sandy! How's the family? Tee times going okay for your guys now?
Alderson: Shut up, Cashman. I know what this is about.
Caller: Oh, really? I was just checking on whether you'd consider renting out your ballpark on road trips a few times a year. We're, um, having trouble with our sluggers who can't hit left-handed pitching for shit.
Alderson: Let's cut to the chase, Brian. You're benching your all-world third baseman and want to see if we'll give you David even up, right?
Caller: That would be tampering and you know it. And That Would Be Wrong. Besides, we'd want a lot more for such a surefire box office draw if, ....hypo-thetically, A-Rod was available.
Alderson: Let me guess. You also want Dickey, Wheeler and some players to be named later.
Caller: Who needs later? Throw in Matt Harvey and a spare DH or two for Scranton and we can talk.
Alderson: But we DON'T talk. That's the point. The all-time roster of the New York Yets barely fields a team.
Caller: Well, THAT's something you should be familiar with.
Alderson: Oh, go suck on a crabcake. We never talk. Barely ever, anyway. Who have we traded between us since that awesome Stanton-Heredia deal eight years ago?
Caller: The heck with that. We only made nine trades with you in 30 years of Boss George. He hated you guys for daring to compete with him. Told me, Stick and Watson not to even take your calls.
Alderson: But you took that one about Benitez. How'd that work out for you?
Caller: Hey. Even a stopped clock catches fire if you pour gasoline on it twice a day.
Alderson: That list isn't complete, anyway. Didn't we trade Swoboda to you?
Caller: Not quite. You dumped him off on the Expos before the '71 season, and we grabbed him from there before the trade deadline. You know, back when the trade deadline was in June.
Alderson: At least you didn't unretire number 4 for him. We have our own issues with numbers, yaknow.
Caller: So, before I call Magic Johnson, what do you think? Dude grew up a Mets fan. You need fannies in those seats. Might be just the Wright thing to do....
Alderson: I'll have to go visit Bernie in prison and get back to you.
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